Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Chat about stuff that doesn't fall into the other categories here.
PK1111
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Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by PK1111 » Thu May 09, 2019 4:58 pm

Ladies and gentlemen,

In our continuing journey to develop and enhance the life experience of windsurfing, it has come to our attention that there is no standardised rating mechanism for a session, and this presents an opportunity to reduce confusion.

Building on the pre digital revolution Skunatron 5000 (r), we proudly proffer the Skunkatron 6000 series for session measurement.

Level zero (0)
Commonly referred to as a “complete skunking” this level is reserved for those sessions where the windyrig has trecked to the beach on a highly unlikely forecast, to find zero wind or waves.
Beach goers abound, with families much in evidence, building sand castles and guzzling ice cream.
They, and you, are wondering why the hell you are here.
Escaping family commitments or DIY are the common causes, although lack of a good session (>3 on the 6000 reading) can drive desperate attempts.
Some sea sweeping activity is common, but rarely fulfilling.
Frankly, you are best off returning home, lighting the bbq and drowning your sorrows in beer.

Level one (1)
Utilised for sessions where forecast conditions do not arrive, but the windyrig rigs gear and gets into a wetsuit for good form.
Much standing around on the beach with fellow skunked poleboarders bemoaning our inability to forecast more accurately and ignoring a preponderance for believing the one optimistic forecast as fact and ignoring all the more pessimistic forecasts.
Sea sweeping is still in evidence, as is some windsupping.
Some nutcase will put a parachute the size of Somalia into the sky and foil around the beach, prompting much admiration from the beach goers who conclude that kitesurfing is very, very cool.

Level two (2)
Utilised for sessions where an iffy forecast delivers, but for some reason, things just don’t quite work.
Likely enfeeblers include lack of correct gear, suboptimal gear selection, timing and / or sailor proficiency issues.
This will be reinforced by local hotshots flying past you as you wallow along off the plane, and by becoming the target rounding mark in the water.
Sailors will seek solace with each other in vain attempts to prove it was something else that was “a bit shit”, rather than just them.
You probably broke something or left something behind.
The beach goers will now be asserting that kitesurfing is exceptionally cool and they don’t know why anyone windsurfs any more.
Quietly, we are all inclined to agree.
A low percentage chance of a ride home in an ambulance, unless you’re a string dangler in which case it’s a high probability.

Level three (3)
The minimum standard for a “good” session.
The forecast arrives and the windyrig turns up at the right place, at the right time, with the right gear.
Required spouse / family passes have been granted as they have looked at the sailors mournful expression, noticed the wind outside, and granted leave.
Conditions are fun, easy and welcoming. Not too windy or cold, but maybe could have been improved, as one of the holy trinity of wind, waves and sunshine is missing.
You will have to share the water with string dangling, tea tray riders, who blatantly ignore the rules of the road.
Likely to be at your local beach, it’s like a 4 pack of beer. Nothing outstanding, but really hits the spot.

Level four (4)
Experience is substantially improved over a 3, like a glass of proseco or a good G&T, rather than aforementioned 4 pack.
Either conditions are better than forecast, new gear is utilised as intended, the holy trinity is delivered, you pull off a new move or the local pro acknowledges your existence with a cheery grin.
This is as likely to happen at an unfamiliar beach or especially abroad, as at your home beach.
Either way, you’ll be buzzing for the rest of the week, your family will bask in your renewed confidence and you’ll be bragging to all that will listen.
Posts will appear on social media, but you won’t get many likes.

Level five (5)
Now we are talking.
Exceptional conditions arrive, and the windyrig really nails it.
Perfect gear for the conditions, which remain challenging, but constant and highly rewarding.
More likely at a non local beach and especially abroad.
No kiters, and any poor sod on the beach will be exclaiming that they don’t know how windsurfers do it.
The windyrig will fondly remember for the rest of the year.
Photographic evidence is produced on social media and many likes and encouraging comments are made.

Level six (6)
Reserved for those extremely rare occurrences, often once a decade, when all the stars align, conditions are perfect and the windyrig performs to an exceptional standard.
All kitesurfers are grounded.
The local hotshots whoop encouragement at you.
Photos appear in the national press and the non believers are aware that windsurfing still exists.
Work colleagues look at you in awe and offer to buy drinks so they can be seen out with you.
When windsurfers convene at social events, talk will eventually turn to “that day” .
Windsurfers return home to a cracking meal, copious drinks, an appreciative and astounded family, rounded off by more drinks, dancing, and, probably, a great round of sex.
The surf gods (Neptune, Poseidon, Naish, Dunkerbeck, Polakow etc) nod their heads in approval.

We trust that classification mechanism is clear and that it will be adopted in future HWIFY posts.

The Windsurfing Flashmob

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BillG
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by BillG » Thu May 09, 2019 5:29 pm

Busy at work today then PK?

I'd say yesterday at Avon was a 3 to 4 possibly even 5.

DaveMac
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by DaveMac » Thu May 09, 2019 6:03 pm

Nice work PK!

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Hazzabee
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by Hazzabee » Thu May 09, 2019 6:20 pm

PK1111 wrote:
Thu May 09, 2019 4:58 pm
rounded off by more drinks, dancing, and, probably, a great round of sex
:lol:

Genius

Ruaraidh_K257
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by Ruaraidh_K257 » Thu May 09, 2019 8:15 pm

Hahahahahaha! Love it.

You forgot 5.5 which is the absolutely wonderful session where all the stars align except it was just you out, nobody saw you or took pictures, the GoPro was turned off when you thought it was on, and your best performance in all of your years of windsurfing is observed only by a few seagulls who were really more interested in that soggy old bag of crisps they found in the nearest dustbin.
16, Scottish wavesailor, sponsored by - Neil Pryde, JP Australia, K4Fins, Wild Diamond Tiree

billyboy
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by billyboy » Fri May 10, 2019 12:02 pm

-1: You clear your diary, make your excuses and load the car on the back of a windy forecast but just before you leave you check the live weather and a line of showers or unexpected windshift has killed it and you bail out before you even start the engine. A couple of hours later you check the live weather and confirm the wind never returned and you made the right choice. Unfortunately, despite not going windsurfing, it still counts as a loss of brownie points as other people needed to rearrange their time to cover for you. :oops:

-2: As per -1, but when you check the live weather later the wind has come back full power, the tide is at the sweet spot and you know all your mates are filling their boots but its too late for you. Spend the evening alone, crying silently over a bottle of red and a box set. You have hit rock bottom...

TOTD
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by TOTD » Fri May 10, 2019 2:20 pm

Brilliant
K4 4Boards Tri Sails,and Chocolate Chip cookies
Ibuprofen, Irish Whiskey

Smidge
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by Smidge » Sat May 11, 2019 8:23 am

Brilliant.

I could add variations to level 0 and 1:

Taking new board on water despite total absence of wind as you believed the hype about “stunning early planing”. Rigging sail super bagged out to increase probability of a good session by 0.00001% and the probability of catastrophic catapult by 1000%, getting catapulted by the only gust of the day and smashing the nose off your new board. At least the daytrippers cant tell you are crying when your dripping with water.

Or,

Booking day off work, arranging spousal absence pass, packing car, rechecking forecast, realising its dropped so abandoning and mowing grass instead. Later that evening checking facebook to see a vast number of fantastic photos from those awesome photo guys of people having a great time at Avon. Send email to therapist asking for an emergency appointment.

TOTD
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by TOTD » Wed May 15, 2019 1:23 pm

Sea sweeping is still in evidence, as is some windsupping.
Some nutcase will put a parachute the size of Somalia into the sky and foil around the beach, prompting much admiration from the beach goers who conclude that kitesurfing is very, very cool.

Best of all.
The census of opinion is nr 6 does not exist, pure fantasy
K4 4Boards Tri Sails,and Chocolate Chip cookies
Ibuprofen, Irish Whiskey

TOTD
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Re: Introducing the Skunkatron 6000

Post by TOTD » Wed May 15, 2019 1:24 pm

PK1111, may I post this elsewhere ?
K4 4Boards Tri Sails,and Chocolate Chip cookies
Ibuprofen, Irish Whiskey

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